Edgar Bergen

“Dignity is something that can't be preserved in alcohol.”

“Mothers are the people who love us for no good reason. And those of us who are mothers know it's the most exquisite love of all.”

“I'm not conceited. Conceit is a fault and I have no faults.”

“Nobody should have children unless they've been married at least 25 years.”

“A cannibal is a person who walks into a restaurant and orders a waiter.”

“I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.”

“Love is like a mushroom. You don't know if it's the real thing until it's too late.”

“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?”

“Humor is the shock absorber of life; it helps us take the blows.”

“Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss.”

“If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.”

“It's not the minutes you spend at the table that make you fat, it's the seconds.”

“The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.”

“Hollywood is a place where they'll pay you a thousand dollars for a kiss and fifty cents for your soul.”

“Free speech is the right to shout 'theater' in a crowded fire.”