Humor Quotes

“Information is not knowledge. Knowledge is not wisdom. Wisdom is not truth. Truth is not beauty. Beauty is not love. Love is not music. Music is THE BEST.”

“The older I get, the less I know. By the time I'm 80, I'll be a raving idiot.”

“An optimist is a man who plants two acorns and buys a hammock.”

“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.”

“Life is not a dress rehearsal. This is it! You've got one shot, so you might as well make it a musical.”

“Hard to believe, Harry.”

“I don't believe in God, but I believe in Almodóvar.”

“Humor is a social lubricant that helps us get over some of the bad spots.”

“The best way to handle evil is to make it ridiculous.”

“This recipe is supposed to be for beef stew, but it's not. It's beef soup.”

“There are three things you can't fake: erections, competence and creativity.”

“My Lord Tomnoddy got up one day; It was half after two, He had nothing to do, So his Lordship rang for his cabriolet.”

“The kitchen is the last bastion of the civilization of the knife. It's the last place you can wave a knife with any kind of impunity.”

“I have always wished for my computer to be as easy to use as my telephone; my wish has come true because I can no longer figure out how to use my telephone.”

“I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those two places.”

“I want a man who's kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?”

“If you want to get rid of a guest, lend him money.”

“I'm his lawful wedded wife, for better or worse... regardless.”

“The cat is the only animal that has managed to tame man.”

“My apartment is so small, I can't even change my mind.”