Dennis Miller

“That's the news, and I am outta here.”

“The only difference between a cult and a religion is the amount of real estate they own.”

“Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.”

“I don't want to go off on a rant here, but...”

“The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.”

“You can't have a decent food culture without a decent coffee culture: the two things grow up together.”

“My formula for success is a little bit of good luck, a little bit of good talent, and a little bit of not giving a damn.”

“The '90s will be a decade of flying Liebfraumilch and cornfed girls.”

“I'm a pro-choice, pro-gun, pro-death penalty, and pro-gay marriage libertarian.”

“The government is a giant baby. It's got a big head and a big appetite, but it can't do anything for itself.”

“I think political correctness is a big problem in this country.”

“When you're a comedian, you're a comedian. That's your job.”

“If you're going to be a comedian, you have to be an observer.”

“My political position is that I'm against the Democrats and I'm against the Republicans.”

“People are tired of being told what to think. They want to think for themselves.”

“I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but I'm a coincidence theorist.”

“I've always been an independent. I've always been a guy who's just tried to call it as I see it.”

“Being a sick comedian is like being a sick doctor. It's not a good thing.”