Evan Esar

“The cuckoo who is on to himself is halfway out of the clock.”

“Anger is the feeling that makes your mouth work faster than your mind.”

“A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.”

“Statistics: The only science that enables different experts using the same figures to draw different conclusions.”

“A gossip is one who talks to you about others; a bore is one who talks to you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to you about yourself.”

“All work and no play makes jack a dull boy - and Jill a wealthy widow.”

“A barking dog is often more useful than a sleeping lion.”

“The girl who can't dance says the band can't play.”

“Hollywood is a place where they place you under contract instead of under observation.”

“Egotism is the anesthetic that dulls the pain of stupidity.”

“Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.”

“Zoo: An excellent place to study the habits of human beings.”

“Success is the good fortune that comes from aspiration, desperation, perspiration, and inspiration.”

“Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.”

“A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.”

“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie - not perfect but who's complaining?”

“Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.”

“A diet is a plan that helps you to lose weight in your wallet.”

“Character is what you have left when you've lost everything you can lose.”

“An egotist is a man who thinks that if he hadn't been born, people would have wondered why.”