George Carlin

“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”

“The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”

“The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.'”

“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”

“Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.”

“There's a reason they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.”

“I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.”

“In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.”

“Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.”

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”

“Don't just teach your children to read. Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.”

“Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day.”

“Electricity is really just organized lightning.”

“Atheism is a non-prophet organization.”

“By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.”

“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”

“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”

“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.”

“A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.”

“When you're born, you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.”