Greg Giraldo

“I think we need to get rid of the penny. I don't know why we still have it. It's like the appendix of our currency.”

“Beautiful people, you're not that great. You're just a genetic lottery winner.”

“You know what the problem with 'an eye for an eye' is? It leaves everybody blind.”

“The problem with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard.”

“I'm like a recovering alcoholic, but my addiction is to being a pompous ass.”

“People say, 'You're so angry.' I'm not angry. I'm just paying attention.”

“The Republicans have a new healthcare plan: Just die.”

“You can't be a good Catholic and a good comedian. It's against the rules.”

“I have two kids. They're my reason to live... and my reason to drink heavily.”

“I don't believe in God, but I'm afraid of him.”

“I'm half-Irish, half-Spanish. I've got a killer tan and a drinking problem.”

“I'm not saying I'm lazy, but I have a smoke detector that needs a new battery and I've been calling it a cricket for three years.”

“We're living in a world where the only thing we have to fear is fear itself... and a black president.”

“I'm an expert at killing my own buzz.”