Jeffrey Bernard

“Alcohol is a much-misunderstood vitamin.”

“I get up between 7 and 9 in the morning. I have a glass of vodka and then I cry for two hours.”

“I have just returned from the valley of the shadow of death, having been diagnosed as a diabetic. For a man who has lived his life in the fast lane, this is a bit of a bugger.”

“I'm drinking to forget. The only trouble is I can’t remember what it is I’m supposed to be forgetting.”

“To get a girl into bed, you must make her laugh.”

“Most people are boring and stupid and not worth the bullets it would take to shoot them.”

“I can resist everything except temptation.”

“What I'd like to have on my tombstone is, 'This is all your fault.'”

“My doctor told me to give up the odd glass of wine. I'm not having it. I'd rather have the odd glass of wine.”

“I’m not a workaholic, I’m an alcoholic.”

“I've been in more laps than a napkin.”

“I don't mind being a poodle, but I can't stand being a poodle's poodle.”

“The race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but the bacon to the greasy.”

“My own recipe for longevity is an early-morning snifter of vodka, smoking 60 cigarettes a day and always having sex with someone you don't love.”

“I think that all journalists are voyeurs. They are all people who live on the backs of others.”

“I came from a family of people who were obsessed with the idea of being a gentleman.”

“The trouble with being a hypochondriac is that you're right eventually.”

“The passing of time is a constant surprise.”