S. J. Perelman

“He who hesitates is a damned fool.”

“Fate keeps on happening.”

“I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.”

“I believe that for the rest of my life, I shall be writing one long sentence.”

“I loathe writing. I can't imagine anyone ever enjoying it.”

“The whole is greater than the sum of its parts—and usually more expensive.”

“Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin -- it's the triumphant twang of a bedspring.”

“I've got a passion for survival. That's all I've got.”

“The dubious privilege of a freelance writer is he's given the freedom to starve anywhere.”

“As for me, I am a watercolor. I wash off.”

“The destitute have no philosophy. The hungry need bread.”

“I guess I'm just an old mad scientist at bottom. Give me an underground laboratory, half a dozen atom-smashers, and a beautiful girl in a diaphanous veil waiting to be turned into a chimpanzee, and I care not who writes the nation's laws.”

“Time wounds all heels.”

“The main obligation is to amuse yourself.”