Caroline Rhea

“I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.”

“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.”

“You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'”

“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”

“Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy, fat women.”

“Stand-up comedy is the most terrifying thing you can do. It's just you and a microphone.”

“I'm a terrible cook. I make a great reservation.”

“I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.”

“I'm so lazy. I have a remote control for my remote control.”

“I love kids, but they're a tough audience.”

“I always wanted to be a rich and famous comedian, I never wanted to be a poor and famous comedian.”

“I'm half-Irish, half-Scottish. It's a great mix because it means I'm too cheap to drink.”

“I was a very, very shy child. I was not the class clown.”