David Spade

“My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me.”

“I like to go to the gym. I'm not a gym rat, but I'm not a gym mouse, either.”

“I'm not saying I'm lazy, but I'm going to have my kids learn to read by having them watch movies with subtitles.”

“Life's a garden, dig it.”

“Buh-bye.”

“Look, kids, a deer!”

“And you are...?”

“My life is a constant struggle between my love for food and not wanting to get fat.”

“I get a lot of credit for comb-overs. But it's not really a comb-over. It's sort of a combo. A-combo-ver.”

“I was in a strip club, and a girl came up to me and said, 'Can I get a picture?' I said, 'You're a stripper.' She said, 'I know, but I'm not working right now.' I said, 'Well, I'm not a comedian right now, so no.'”

“You like to see homos naked? That's cool, man, whatever.”

“I have a friend who's a billionaire and he's very, very happy. I said, 'You and I have different definitions of happy. I have a bazooka and you have a bazooka. But mine is loaded with Skittles and yours is loaded with money.'”

“I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only taller.”

“I'm pretty sure that my allergies are just my body's way of telling me it's having an allergic reaction to the world.”