Jay Leno

“You're not a star until they can spell your name in Karachi.”

“I'm not a big fan of the high-tech stuff. I'm a guy who likes to drive.”

“A lot of people think that the Internet is an anonymous medium. It's not. It's the most accountable medium in the world.”

“Politics is just show business for ugly people.”

“You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh.”

“A new study says that working fewer hours can make you happier. I don't know, I have a lot of friends that are unemployed and they're not happy at all.”

“Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average... which means, you have met your New Year's resolution.”

“If God had a sense of humor, he would have made the go-to drink of elite athletes sports beer.”

“The crime rate has been dropping for years, but the news coverage has been going up. That's because it's a cheap story.”

“I have a lot of sympathy for young people because I realize how disturbed I was when I was that age.”

“You know the theory of the Great Man? The theory is that if you kill the Great Man, the guy who takes his place is usually so much worse.”

“According to a new study, women in satisfying marriages are less likely to develop cardiovascular diseases. So don't forget, guys: happy wife, healthy life.”

“Anything to get a laugh. That's my motto.”

“The average person has eight different jobs in their lifetime. I've been lucky, I've had two.”

“Being a stand-up is my favorite thing to do.”