Victor Borge

“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.”

“I only know two pieces; one is 'Clair de Lune' and the other one isn't.”

“Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year.”

“I'd like to thank my parents for making it all possible... and I'd like to thank my children for making it all necessary.”

“Usually I am the only one who finds me amusing.”

“A smile is the shortest distance between two people.”

“The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer.”

“A gentleman is a man who can play the bagpipes, but doesn't.”

“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”

“I don't have a bank account, because I don't know my mother's maiden name.”

“About the most originality that any writer can hope to achieve honestly is to steal with good judgment.”

“Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.”

“Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations.”

“I'm not a pianist. I'm a comedian who plays the piano.”