Victoria Wood

“I once went to one of those parties where everyone throws their car keys into the middle of the room. I don't know who got my moped but I've been driving that Peugeot for years.”

“A man is designed to walk three miles in the rain to phone for help when the car breaks down, and a woman is designed to say, 'you took your time'.”

“Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television.”

“In my day, we didn't have sex. We had hot-water bottles.”

“Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's have some fun.”

“My children won't even eat chips because some know-all bastard at school told them a potato was a vegetable.”

“Life's not fair, is it? Some of us are cursed with sensitivity.”

“I thought Co-op was something you did to chickens.”

“Sexual harassment at work... is it a problem for the self-employed?”

“People think I'm a miserable sod but it's only because I get tired of saying 'piss off' to everybody.”

“You can't have a crisp sandwich without a sausage roll.”

“I sometimes think that the only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize.”