Groucho Marx

“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.”

“Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.”

“Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.”

“I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.”

“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don't know.”

“Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.”

“Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.”

“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”

“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”

“I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.”

“Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?”

“He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.”

“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.”

“Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?”

“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”

“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”

“From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.”

“She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.”

“A man's only as old as the woman he feels.”

“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.”