Henny Youngman

“Take my wife... please!”

“I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.”

“I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up – they have no holidays.”

“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”

“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”

“If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.”

“My wife will buy anything marked down. Last week she bought an escalator.”

“Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.”

“My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.”

“A man goes to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist says, 'You're crazy.' The man says, 'I want a second opinion!' The psychiatrist says, 'Okay, you're ugly too!'”

“I miss my wife's cooking, as often as I can.”

“My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.”

“You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.”

“A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams.”

“The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.”

“I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.”

“I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.”

“I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those two places.”