Jack Dee

“I don't understand people who say they 'love to travel'. Do you love the queues, the delays, the bad food, the screaming children? That's not travel, that's an ordeal.”

“You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'”

“I'm a pessimist. But I'm a pessimist with a sense of humour. Which means I know things are going to go wrong, but I find it funny.”

“The only thing I'm really good at is procrastinating.”

“I've got a new car. It's one of those eco-friendly ones. It runs on despair.”

“The problem with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.”

“I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.”

“I like to think of my life as a warning to others.”

“I don't do 'optimism'. It's a form of denial.”

“I'm not a negative person. I'm a realist.”

“The worst thing about being a comedian is that you're expected to be funny all the time. It's like being a doctor and having to perform an operation at a dinner party.”

“People say 'money can't buy happiness'. Look at the smile on my face. Ear to ear, baby. You can't buy happiness, but you can rent it.”

“My wife and I have the secret to a happy marriage. It's called 'separate bathrooms'.”

“The highlight of my childhood was making my brother laugh so hard that food came out of his nose.”