Lewis Black

“If it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college.”

“The only thing dumber than a Democrat or a Republican is when they are elected.”

“We're a nation of laws, but the rules don't apply to the people who make them.”

“I believe that the government that governs best is the government that governs least. And by least, I mean never.”

“I'm not a political comedian. I'm a comedian who happens to be political.”

“That's the beauty of this great country. The stupidity of our leaders is rivaled only by the stupidity of the people who elected them.”

“You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'”

“If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you.”

“Valentine's Day is a holiday invented by greeting card companies to make people feel like crap.”

“There's no such thing as a vote that doesn't matter. It all matters.”

“The greatest country in the world is not a country, it's a company.”

“I could have been a doctor, but there were too many good shows on TV.”

“You don't need a formal prayer to talk to God. Just say, 'Hey, what the hell is going on?'”

“We are now at the point where we must educate our children in what nobody believes in.”

“I like when things are crazy. Something good comes out of it. You get a lot of things done.”

“All the things I really like to do are either illegal, immoral, or fattening.”

“Holidays are a time for relatives to come together and tell each other how much they've failed.”

“The whole world is a scab. We're all just picking at it.”

“You can't have a rational discussion with a lunatic.”

“I'm sick of hearing about the 1 percent. I'm sick of hearing about the 99 percent. I'm just sick of percentages.”