Lewis Black

“You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'”

“If it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college.”

“You can't have a rational discussion with a lunatic.”

“Valentine's Day is a holiday invented by greeting card companies to make people feel like crap.”

“There's no such thing as a vote that doesn't matter. It all matters.”

“Holidays are a time for relatives to come together and tell each other how much they've failed.”

“I like when things are crazy. Something good comes out of it. You get a lot of things done.”

“The only thing dumber than a Democrat or a Republican is when they are elected.”

“I could have been a doctor, but there were too many good shows on TV.”

“We're a nation of laws, but the rules don't apply to the people who make them.”

“The whole world is a scab. We're all just picking at it.”

“I'm sick of hearing about the 1 percent. I'm sick of hearing about the 99 percent. I'm just sick of percentages.”

“I'm not a political comedian. I'm a comedian who happens to be political.”

“That's the beauty of this great country. The stupidity of our leaders is rivaled only by the stupidity of the people who elected them.”

“If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you.”

“The greatest country in the world is not a country, it's a company.”

“All the things I really like to do are either illegal, immoral, or fattening.”

“I believe that the government that governs best is the government that governs least. And by least, I mean never.”

“We are now at the point where we must educate our children in what nobody believes in.”

“You don't need a formal prayer to talk to God. Just say, 'Hey, what the hell is going on?'”