Quotes by Tommy Cooper
“I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: 'I can't make Tuesdays.'”— Tommy Cooper
“He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'”— Tommy Cooper
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'.”— Tommy Cooper
“Two cannibals were eating a clown. One said to the other, 'Does this taste funny to you?'”— Tommy Cooper
“Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.”— Tommy Cooper
“So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'”— Tommy Cooper
“I went to the doctors. He said, 'I'd like you to lie on the couch.' I said, 'What for?' He said, 'I'd like to sweep the floor.'”— Tommy Cooper
“A man walks into a psychiatrist's office and says, 'Doctor, I'm a deckchair.' The doctor says, 'Don't worry, just unfold yourself and lie down.'”— Tommy Cooper
“I said to the waiter, 'There's a fly in my soup.' He said, 'Don't worry sir, he won't drink much.'”— Tommy Cooper