Bob Monkhouse

“I'm a great housekeeper. I get divorced. I keep the house.”

“I have the heart of a young boy... in a jar on my desk.”

“I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother.”

“My wife said to me, 'For our anniversary, I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen.'”

“I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my father. Not screaming and terrified like his passengers.”

“Silence is not only golden, it's seldom misquoted.”

“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”

“I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.”

“They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. They're not laughing now.”

“I remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.”

“A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.”

“I have a photographic memory, but I've run out of film.”

“Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional.”

“A critic is a man who knows the way but can't drive the car.”

“I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.”

“When I told my dad I wanted to be a comedian, he said, 'You're kidding.'”