Bob Monkhouse

“I'm a great housekeeper. I get divorced. I keep the house.”

“They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. They're not laughing now.”

“I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my father. Not screaming and terrified like his passengers.”

“Silence is not only golden, it's seldom misquoted.”

“Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional.”

“I remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.”

“A critic is a man who knows the way but can't drive the car.”

“My wife said to me, 'For our anniversary, I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen.'”

“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”

“I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother.”

“I have the heart of a young boy... in a jar on my desk.”

“I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.”

“A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.”

“I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.”

“When I told my dad I wanted to be a comedian, he said, 'You're kidding.'”

“I have a photographic memory, but I've run out of film.”