Quotes by Emo Philips
“I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me that.”— Emo Philips
“When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him for forgiveness.”— Emo Philips
“I was walking down the street and I saw a house on fire. So I ran into the house and I saved the family... in the form of a photograph.”— Emo Philips
“I like to play chess with old men in the park. The tough part is finding 32 of them.”— Emo Philips
“I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.”— Emo Philips
“I was a very ugly child. My mother used to put a pork chop in my pocket so the dog would play with me.”— Emo Philips
“I was sleeping, and my wife woke me up. I said, 'What's the matter?' She said, 'I think there's a burglar in the house.' I said, 'You go.' She said, 'Why me?' I said, 'Because you're the one who heard him.'”— Emo Philips
“I was in a bar and I said to a friend, 'You know, we've become those 40-year-old guys we used to look at and say, 'Isn't it sad?'”— Emo Philips
“I asked my girlfriend if she'd seen my new duck. She said, 'What duck?' I said, 'The one that's been following us for the last twenty minutes.'”— Emo Philips
“I'm not a good lover. I'm a great lover. I'm a world-class lover. I'm a retired lover.”— Emo Philips