Demetri Martin

“I feel like a turtleneck is the most judgmental garment.”

“A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver.”

“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”

“The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.”

“Swimming is a confusing sport. Because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die.”

“Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.”

“Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.”

“A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'”

“I got a belt on clearance. It was a good deal, but now I can't get it off.”

“I was at a party, and I saw a guy who had a shirt that said 'Guess.' I said, 'Thyroid problem?'”

“I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. You would never see an 'Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order' sign, just 'Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.'”

“I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone'.”

“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.”

“I have a few jokes about elevators, but they're not going anywhere.”