Rita Rudner

“My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.”

“I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.”

“My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.”

“Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.”

“To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'”

“I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.”

“I love to sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?”

“I was the first woman to burn her bra—it took the fire department four days to put it out.”

“Some people think that doctors and nurses can put scrambled eggs back into the shell.”

“My mother's passion for germs was so great she should have been a microbiologist.”

“I got a divorce, and I had to give my husband the house. I had to get a new house, with a new closet.”

“Never take a cross-country trip with a person you don't love.”

“Hollywood is the only place in the world where you can die of encouragement.”

“Men aren't from Mars. Men are from the 7-Eleven.”

“Why would anyone want to be called a size 0? It's like, 'Yes, I'm a nothing. Can I have some more nothing to eat?'”